A Major Meltdown

Have you ever tried to put on a brave face just to have a complete meltdown later on? Or tried to hold your emotions in, but sooner or later they have gotten the better of you and you just have to let it out?

I reached that point about a week and a half into Carson's stay in the NICU/Progressive NICU.

Looking back, I'm surprised it took that long to have my first major meltdown. It probably should have happened the day I left the hospital. But it didn't and I think I know why.

Brent and I were both trying to put on our brave faces for each other. Or at least I was. I cannot speak for him, but this is what I did.

I tried to put on my brave face because if I melted down, I thought, it would be too hard to get back to being positive again. That if I just lost it, then that meant I was feeling sorry for myself, when other babies were in a tougher situation than our daughter. I felt like I needed to stay positive for Carson. Even though I wasn't with her 24/7, I felt that she could feel my energy. I didn't want any negative energy around her. Only positive thoughts. I wanted her to feel 100% love, support, and confidence that everything was going to be okay.

But it did not feel that way all the time. And that's when I couldn't keep it in anymore.

We were driving home from the hospital. Carson had a setback. She had a Brady-apnea, so that meant at least another seven days in the hospital. As we were driving home, Brent asked me, "What was I thinking?" (Because I'm always thinking about something.) I told him, "I just feel like crying." He said three simple words, "Let it out."

And oh, did I.

I mean, huge, big tears. Tears that make you have to grasp for breath. I think I cried all the way home. And I screamed. Because not only was I sad. But I was pissed. Pissed that my healthy pregnancy turned out this way. I was mad that my maternity leave was spent two weeks in the hospital before Carson was born and how many days in the hospital afterwards. I was mad that I may not get the time I wanted or needed with my daughter before I had to go back to work (thankfully, my employer at the time was AMAZING!)

So I had the full range of emotions of being sad, mad and just downright angry. I felt like I had gotten robbed. Robbed of valuable time with my daughter. And I didn't like it. I wanted it fixed.

But what I learned from that moment is that I needed a good cry. I needed to get those feelings out because I wouldn't have been able to keep them in. I think I needed to show my husband what I was feeling, so he could understand - even though I think he did understand. And once I let it all out, I felt so much better. When it was over, I felt this huge stress lifted from my shoulders. I felt so much better and I could believe again that everything would be okay.