Why?

This post is coming to you from Jennifer's husband. Jennifer asked me to write this to illustrate my point of view to her readers. I want to start out by saying that sharing personal experiences with strangers is not my strong suit (one of many differences between Jennifer and I), but I will do what I can to get my point across.

When our saga started, I met Jennifer at the hospital and my head was spinning. I didn't know what to say or do, so I said very little (running my mouth when I am overwhelmed is not my strong suit either). The first day I provided hand holding, back rubbing, phone calls to mom, etc. I pretty much let the doctors to their thing and tried to stay calm and out of the way. A hysterical husband is the last thing that Jennifer or the doctors needed. The doctors actually did a pretty good job of staying calm themselves and making sure that we we knew exactly what they were doing and why there were doing it. My opinion of the doctor that laid it all out there for us is a little different than Jennifer's. This lady was matter-of-fact, straight to the point, and did not waste any words (my kind of woman). I did not know anything about having a premature child (or any child for that matter) and she gave me a 10 minute crash course on the risks and what we should expect. I appreciated the fact that she did not sugar coat anything, and left very little to the imagination. When people start dancing around details, I naturally imagine that these details will affect me in a negative way. I was able to wrap my mind around some of the scary things she was telling us and strangely enough it made me feel better.

Even though the first day was hard, it went quickly. The next four weeks were more of a marathon (distance running is not my strong suit either). It was a slow grind and I spent most of my time at work or the hospital. I was staying every other night in the hospital, taking turns with my mother-in-law (eternally grateful for her). Consequently, I was only sleeping every other night. I'm a light sleeper to begin with and a constant stream of nurses in and out and the un-rhythmic noises of monitoring equipment ensured that I would never sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. My point here is that I spent the next month being TIRED and worried. At the same time, Jennifer was forced to sit in bed all day and do nothing but worry (100 times worse than my situation). The question that she asked me several times per day every day was: Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? Why am I spending my maternity leave sitting in this hospital without my baby? Of course I didn't know the answers to these specific questions. All I knew is that "I don't know" was not an acceptable answer. I also knew that my girl needs constant reassurance (one of the many nuances of Jennifer), so that is what I did. My answer to the question was always the same: "Because this is the way it was meant to be and once all is said and done everything will be just fine. Everything happens for a reason and someday we will know that reason." I must have said this a thousand times, and it usually made her feel better for about an hour and then the cycle would repeat. She tried to wear me down, but I think I held it together well enough. Answering this question was probably the most important thing I did for Jennifer and Carson over those four weeks. Other than this, I felt pretty helpless.

To wrap this up, if I were able to turn back the clock one year and I could give myself some idea of what to expect here is what it would be:

• Prepare to be tired



• Prepare to feel helpless



• Figure out what you can do and do it